He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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