I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
