Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Randomize
