I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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