she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
