tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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