im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
