There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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