Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just threw up on my dentist
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
