So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
