Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
