I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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