how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
