i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
