Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Even my vagina gasped.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
