the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
