i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
