Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
