he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have fence marks all over my body
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
