So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
