Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
