For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
