Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The Olympian is in my bed
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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