Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
pray to the hookup gods
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
