how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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