Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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