Soap is not a condiment
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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