I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
