Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You ruined the universe
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
