I just cut my nipple shaving
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
