Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
