nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
