so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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