my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My vagina just clenched in fear
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