so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
