ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
