I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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