Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
