well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
