He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
