My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
