Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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