I think i peed on brittanys purse
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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