he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
