I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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