I think my fart just growled at me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
