I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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