Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
