My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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