Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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