My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
