I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
