Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
