sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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