Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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